Happy Father's Day To An Angel Above

The day I knew I wouldn't be having anyone to call "dad" was the day my perception of the world changed. At an age when it was time to start enjoying having him around and showing him off, my dad passed away. Being without a father is one of the hardest things I have had to go through mentally... and spiritually. This is probably due to the fact that I didn't have an intimate relationship with him when he was alive, and as a result I was never truly able to grasp the magnitude of the love I had for him, and the love he had for me. I only realised this when he died. I remember once when he told me that he loved me, I was way too young to understand how deep those words were, and how much those words meant to him and what they should have meant to me. I only smiled childishly and played away from his arms. I should have told him that I loved  him too but I didn't... and I never did. Not even once.

He was so strong on the outside, he didn't seem like the kind of man who would want to hear such affectionate words, the same way he did not seem like someone who was going to be taken away from me sooner than I expected. His death caused me to doubt my spirituality and to lose faith in people and also life as a whole. His death caused me to develop a tough and almost impenetrable exterior, and to keep people at bay just so that if they left without warning, it would not hurt as bad. As a result of my dad's passing, I almost never wholeheartedly rejoice when I achieve something great because earthly achievements have come to mean nothing to me. Death hit my family, it is not a concept that is strange to me anymore and as much as I pray that it is far from me, you never really know how far or how near it is. 

The last time I saw him was in the hospital, he was down with a stroke and couldn't speak. I knew he wanted to tell me something but there's no way to know what. 

Perhaps he wanted to let me know that life was going to be okay without him, and he was leaving us knowing we were in the good hands of my mother. Perhaps he wanted to let me know that he won't be there physically when I graduate, but he will be watching down from heaven smiling at his baby girl. Or was he trying to make me understand that even if he isn't with me anymore, I was not to  forget all that he taught me when he was alive - all the lessons of kindness and love, humility to the less privileged even when you have it all?

At the end of the day, all I can do is make assumptions and engage in wishful thinking. 

Although I don't say this very often, I DO miss having a father figure in my life. I miss my daddy so much.

Rest in peace dad. 

Happy Fathers day.